all the kids bully me cause of my snout and furry nose , at play time i roam around sniffing people hoping that this action will score me a friend but it dosent . Sometimes when i am alone with my pet brick , i cry . Its not my fault my mums a rat and my dads a human ,im just the unlucky offspring .
Tommorow im gona have a go at winning Jane over , im gona nibbel the back of her neck like rats do to rats before they mate , it has to work this time , its got too .
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well that's definitely a sort story. Very short. But surprisingly enough despite it's shortness it does actual have quite some meaning. There is a surprising amount of emotion in this thing if you look at carefully and that's also great. Its not too clear exactly where this is taking place or even who this really is but from what's available you get a little message.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Those should be doesn't and nibble.
Besides that you are also quite a few capital letters but I think that was already pointed out so I'm not going to say anything to that.
Aand that's about it. Not much else for me to say here. It's a really short piece.
Overall: It's fun idea. Certainly was pretty fun to read. Not that funny if that's what you intended but to show that like sadness it does an okay job. Because of how fast paced everything is you don't really get that much of a sense of emotion but you do get something.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very bad descriptions. No reference to where the protagonist is, what he is doing, basic things that are necessary to give readers a picture of what is happening. The few descriptions are unorganized. Slow down next time.
You have some grammar, punctuation and spelling issues ...
All the kids bully me because of my snout and furry nose. At play-time I roam around sniffing people, hoping that this action will gain me a friend but it doesn't. Sometimes when I am alone with my pet brick, I cry. It's not my fault my mum's a rat and my dad's a human, I'm just the unlucky offspring.
Tommorow I'm going to have a go at winning Jane over, I'm going to nibble the back of her neck like rats do to other rats before they mate. It has to work this time. It's got to.
I edited this for you. Changed a couple of words because I didn't think "score" really works, unless you want to be really slangy. As a piece of comedy, I thought it was pretty funny. The last line was actually really good. I changed the last two clauses to fragments on their own because I think it makes it more powerful. Of course, this is all suggestions.
I'd extend this if I were you, play around with the humour of being a rat/human - you could have some sort of cheese incident, or being chased by a cat?
*twitch* how is that possible for a rat boy... oh yea this is fantasy Fiction, poor little rat kid, i think he is going to get a nice slap to the face when he tries to nibble at the back of her neck